Now I know that I can't even think of doing a half Ironman. That's just silly. Don't forget, an Ironman is 3.8km swim, followed by 180km bike, followed by a full marathon. So a half Ironman is <reaches for calculator> 1.9k swim, followed by 90km bike, followed by a half marathon. Ridiculous. Impossible.
But wait. 1.9k swim? I've done 1.5k a few times now. 1.9k is only <reaches for calculator, pauses, considers working it out in her head, scratches head, pauses> a little bit longer than 1.5k. I could do that. 1/3 of a half Ironman. That's 1/6th Iron.....
But wait again. 90k bike? I've done 40k a few times now. Well, once. 90k is only <calculator, pause, scratch head>, well, lots more than 40k. I might be able to do that. 2/3 of a half Ironman. That's 1/3rd Iron.
But wait some more. Half marathon? Nope. Not on your nelly.
Boring Race Report
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| So THIS is what the world looks like at 7.30am. |
Swim - 1.9km - 35 minutes
No, that's not a misprint. Yes, not only did I set a PB for my half-Ironman swim (you're never going to hear the end of me referring to my half-Ironman anything - get used to it), but I smashed my previous best 1.5km time into smithereens. Just a couple of weeks ago it took me 42 minutes to complete the mere Olympic distance time. Today I was <who's got my calculator?> LOTS faster. I suspected that the swim course had been measured short, but to my absolute complete and utter surprise, I was way ahead of the other two ladies. Blimey. If I didn't know better, I'd demand a drugs test.
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| First woman out of the water! Really! And I wasn't the only woman! I beat two others! Yes, my bum looks big in this, but who cares! |
However, there were other factors too. It was beautifully calm, which always helps. There was no diesel fuel, which is also a bonus. The course wasn't out and back, it was along for a bit and back, repeat three times. Which effectively meant that all I had to do was swim six lengths. Finally, the tide was out so far that I was never really out of my depth. Once bits of me had stopped wincing with the cold, I actually enjoyed myself.
T1 - Forever
I was first out of the swim, I was last out on the bike. I still haven't got the hang of getting out of my wetsuit with any dignity. I tested my blood sugar - a pretty healthy 9.6. Bum - no curly wurly for me.
Bike - 90km (actually 85km) - 4 hours 20 minutes
OK, I'll be honest. I missed a bit of the route out at the start - about 5km. This meant that I overtook the other girls pretty quickly. I have to say that I'm ashamed about that. However, bygones.
I took my first gel in Peacehaven, a shithole between Saltdean and Newhaven. I don't say that lightly - it is literally the shithole of East Sussex as it has the only proper sewage outlet along this lovely bit of coast. In fact the locals call it Poohaven. Everyone else simply avoids it. Unless they are doing the bike leg of a half-Ironman.
Anyway, so far so good. I even got to whizz down a steep hill into Newhaven. That was fun. Until I realised that I had to turn round and go back up that same steep hill. Not once, but twice. Gulp.
Luckily I had just been overtaken by one of the lycra-clad speed freaks. Who wasn't very good at hills. So I paced myself just off the back of his wheel until we both got to the top. That really really really helped. Then we hit the flat and off he shot - I was on my own again. I plodded on for a bit, knowing that the most difficult bit was over for now. The view was quite stunning. I know you're not supposed to look as it's impossible to be "aero" and sightsee at the same time, but I couldn't help myself. Then it started. I felt that familiar urge in my nether regions. Yes, I needed to pee.
I discovered that there's only one thing more likely to get me moving fast in a triathlon than trying not to freeze to death, and that's the need to pee. I had to cover about 20k back to the start, and I needed to do it fast. I did. To my amazement I caught up with another lycra-clad speed freak. This one even had a special aero helmet - you know, the one that makes you look a bit like Alien. Surely this was too good to be true. And it was. This specific speed freak had forgotten to pack any carbs and had "bonked". He was struggling to get back for a lie down and cry. I did the dutiful thing and slowed down to his pace, chatted to him and offered him one of my gels (not mentioning my secret stash of curly wurlies of course). Problem was I still needed to pee. The next ten minutes of my life were pretty uncomfortable - slowing down to try to help a fellow triathlete, whilst trying to hide my curly wurlies and not pee at the same time.
Reader, I managed it.
T1.5 - 15 minutes
I got back to transition but realised that the loos were about 250m away. I didn't have a bike lock, so I had no choice - I had to run. My trousers fell down almost immediately. But I got to the loo in time. I must have sat there for quite a long time - partly because I was a bit tired, having cycled 44km without stopping, and partly because there was a lot of pee.
However, sooner than you can eat four curly wurlies whist simultaneously trying to get out of a wetsuit, I was back on my trusty steed heading for Newhaven again. But, in my rush to get going I had completely forgotten that I was Diabetic. Ooops. I got as far as Saltdean when I started to feel a bit odd. Well, odder than usual anyway. I stopped and tested my blood sugar - I was tanking fast, but not quite hypo yet. I took another gel and waited a few minutes before remounting Trusty. I vowed to remember to take another gel when I passed Saltdean for the last time. And I did too. I ended the bike on 5.5.
T2 - Ummmmm
I'm ashamed to say that I didn't even consider the run. I'm even more ashamed to say that I vowed to do the whole thing, including the run next year. And people heard me.
Overall
It took me 4 hours and 20 minutes to complete the bike course, which was about 20 minutes longer than I hoped. However I finished both in under 5 hours, and I didn't die, which was better than I'd budgeted. I still can't believe that swim. Oh and I got a goody bag! With chocolate in it!
I am now 1/3 Iron. A bit like pewter I guess. Except with some iron in it of course.
T1 - Forever
I was first out of the swim, I was last out on the bike. I still haven't got the hang of getting out of my wetsuit with any dignity. I tested my blood sugar - a pretty healthy 9.6. Bum - no curly wurly for me.
 |
| Last woman on the bike! Really! |
OK, I'll be honest. I missed a bit of the route out at the start - about 5km. This meant that I overtook the other girls pretty quickly. I have to say that I'm ashamed about that. However, bygones.
I took my first gel in Peacehaven, a shithole between Saltdean and Newhaven. I don't say that lightly - it is literally the shithole of East Sussex as it has the only proper sewage outlet along this lovely bit of coast. In fact the locals call it Poohaven. Everyone else simply avoids it. Unless they are doing the bike leg of a half-Ironman.
Anyway, so far so good. I even got to whizz down a steep hill into Newhaven. That was fun. Until I realised that I had to turn round and go back up that same steep hill. Not once, but twice. Gulp.
Luckily I had just been overtaken by one of the lycra-clad speed freaks. Who wasn't very good at hills. So I paced myself just off the back of his wheel until we both got to the top. That really really really helped. Then we hit the flat and off he shot - I was on my own again. I plodded on for a bit, knowing that the most difficult bit was over for now. The view was quite stunning. I know you're not supposed to look as it's impossible to be "aero" and sightsee at the same time, but I couldn't help myself. Then it started. I felt that familiar urge in my nether regions. Yes, I needed to pee.
I discovered that there's only one thing more likely to get me moving fast in a triathlon than trying not to freeze to death, and that's the need to pee. I had to cover about 20k back to the start, and I needed to do it fast. I did. To my amazement I caught up with another lycra-clad speed freak. This one even had a special aero helmet - you know, the one that makes you look a bit like Alien. Surely this was too good to be true. And it was. This specific speed freak had forgotten to pack any carbs and had "bonked". He was struggling to get back for a lie down and cry. I did the dutiful thing and slowed down to his pace, chatted to him and offered him one of my gels (not mentioning my secret stash of curly wurlies of course). Problem was I still needed to pee. The next ten minutes of my life were pretty uncomfortable - slowing down to try to help a fellow triathlete, whilst trying to hide my curly wurlies and not pee at the same time.
Reader, I managed it.
T1.5 - 15 minutes
I got back to transition but realised that the loos were about 250m away. I didn't have a bike lock, so I had no choice - I had to run. My trousers fell down almost immediately. But I got to the loo in time. I must have sat there for quite a long time - partly because I was a bit tired, having cycled 44km without stopping, and partly because there was a lot of pee.
However, sooner than you can eat four curly wurlies whist simultaneously trying to get out of a wetsuit, I was back on my trusty steed heading for Newhaven again. But, in my rush to get going I had completely forgotten that I was Diabetic. Ooops. I got as far as Saltdean when I started to feel a bit odd. Well, odder than usual anyway. I stopped and tested my blood sugar - I was tanking fast, but not quite hypo yet. I took another gel and waited a few minutes before remounting Trusty. I vowed to remember to take another gel when I passed Saltdean for the last time. And I did too. I ended the bike on 5.5.
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| The bike route - Carat's (or is it Carats?) Cafe to Newhaven and back, twice. There's a CLIMB! And it has a category! The official category is "5", but I call it "bastard". |
T2 - Ummmmm
I'm ashamed to say that I didn't even consider the run. I'm even more ashamed to say that I vowed to do the whole thing, including the run next year. And people heard me.
 |
| Not much running going on here. |
Overall
It took me 4 hours and 20 minutes to complete the bike course, which was about 20 minutes longer than I hoped. However I finished both in under 5 hours, and I didn't die, which was better than I'd budgeted. I still can't believe that swim. Oh and I got a goody bag! With chocolate in it!
I am now 1/3 Iron. A bit like pewter I guess. Except with some iron in it of course.
